The Bitter End

In early September 2011 I gave my wife a parting hug. She was lying in our bed. We wept.

On December 20, 2011 a marriage of 19 years, 7 months and 4 days died in a Knoxville chancery court Judge’s chambers with the words “it is granted, sir.”

A friend and I were talking about divorce Friday. She’s been divorced 4 years and she spoke of how feelings continue to be unearthed. I’ve been officially divorced about 4 months and I am just beginning to settle from the fray.

Saturday I went to celebrate the 90^th birthday of a woman who knew me in my mother’s womb. The party was located in the family center of the church I grew up in. I saw people I hadn’t seen in years. Then unexpectedly, I glanced into the corner of the building. It was the corner where my bride and I sat together during the reception of our marriage.

We had a white iron porch table for two to ourselves with a backdrop of white lattice covered in green ivy. To date I remember the day perfectly. I remembered where the cake and gift tables were set. The chocolate covered strawberries my mom made. The smiles, the laughter, the happiest day of my life.

I left the party with tears trudging down my face. “It is granted, sir” was not as fulfilling as saying and hearing “I do.”

An Attitude of Gratitude

Have you ever heard anyone promote an “attitude of gratitude?” I have and often thought “well, that’s nice, but what’s the big deal.” Now, I think I finally understand the importance of this little saying. Essentially, gratitude is filling. When we are grateful for people, circumstances, and things it emphasizes those needs that have been met in our lives. This, I think, promotes a feeling of satisfaction-a filling.

 

I cannot think of a word that is the exact opposite to gratitude. There is ingratitude, unthankfulness, or ungrateful, but these do not have the kind of punch as antonyms like happy and sad or nice and mean. Regardless, when I think about the opposite of gratitude I begin to think of my needs. I emphasize the areas in my like where I recognize a lack of something. Where gratitude fills, ingratitude empties.

 

I think this is important psychologically. When we are not satisfied and are unable to obtain the things we lack or desire we may try to fill these areas with unhealthy things. This is my hypothesis anyway. I certainly do not think it is a remedy for everything in our lives. Yet, I do wonder how beneficial it would be if I begin to be thankful when I start griping about something I want.

Faults, Needs, and Jesus

I consider myself a very introspective person. It is one of my default settings. Another default setting I have is to try to connect everything. I am a person who sees the whole forest. Give me a minute detail about some fungi about the forest and my mind is determined to connect that fact to the forest at large. My mind might ask “what relationship is there between the fungus on the rotting log and the amount of sunlight reaching the topmost leaf of the trees. This type of thinking has become both a blessing and a curse. I am able to see the wholeness of situations, yet unable to delineate between the specifics of minutia. I think this is why it is difficult for me to figure myself out.

However, I have made a couple of enlightening observations lately. One, I am not at fault for everything about myself. Two, it is okay for me to have needs. When I say that I am not at fault for everything about myself does not mean that I do not have responsibility. Take, for example the combat veteran who has seen atrocities. It is not his fault that he has flash backs and nightmares. He is not responsible for their occurrences. Yet, he does have a responsibility to deal with them appropriately, not necessarily alone. With the help of others and honesty he may reach some level of normalcy. Another example would be the victim of abuse. They are not responsible for the abuse that happened, but on some level, however small, they must figure out how to cope with life. In both situations I have mentioned, I want to be clear that life may never be “normal” for some people after traumatic events. Nor should anyone assume that I am unsympathetic towards those who have endured these hardships. To the contrary, I respect and salute our veterans and have compassion towards those who have been abused. My point was to show that we are not necessarily responsible for all that takes place in our lives. Yet, there is a point when we must deal with the issue that plagues us.

The second point was that we all have needs. It is okay to have needs. Maslow says the basic needs of humans are food and shelter. It’s alright to have that need! It is also fine to have emotional needs. I believe we were created to live in relationship. We are not able to fulfill all of our needs in and of ourselves. Surely some are more capable and less relational than others. Yet few people are hermits. Why is social media such a boon these days? I think the word social says it all. The difficult task is to know what needs you can meet yourself and what needs others can meet. I think most relational issues arise from all the weirdness that goes on trying to get needs met. It can be very confusing, especially when people like myself have all this stuff tangled up inside themselves.

Here is what I am getting at. When I think that my struggles are my fault and that I do not deserve to have any needs met, then I am setting myself up for disaster emotionally. I dare not list the consequences of such a belief system, there is neither space nor time. What I can say is that realizing that I am not at fault and okay to have needs is very freeing. It’s not an end all type of freedom, the feeling of flying away “when this life is o’er.” I can now stop beating myself up for failures (perceived or real) now.

In my true form I will now try to tie this into a realization I had at church yesterday. All that I need to know about God is found in scripture. Scripture teaching about the holiness, greatness, otherworldliness, creativity, unfathomableness, and mysteriousness of God. He is limitless. Then in Hebrews chapter 1 we learn that Jesus was the exact representation of God. Jesus himself says, if you have seen me, you have seen the Father. If Jesus is God, then He is all I need to know about God. I do not have to look anywhere else. There is nothing more required.

It’s not all my fault. It is okay to have needs. Jesus is all I need to know.

What I Want My Kids To Know

Getting married and having children was something that just happened in my life. It was a milestone of sorts, similar to graduating high school, going to college, or attending church. It is simply what a person did somehwere along the line. Because of this I find individuals who choose to stay single or couples who choose not to have children peculiar. I did not have any role models of people like this growing up. Either the single person wanted to be married or the couple was unable to have children. Again, I never knew a person who said “I am single because I choose to be” or “We simply do not want children.”

Recently, I spoke with a person who is single. We’ve known each other for over a year, but I never broached the subject as to “why are you still single.” I figure that will be part of conversation when it needed to be. My friend told  me that they did not want responsibility of raising children. Not because they loved the single lifestyle, rather because they had contemplated the gravity of raising children. The influence a parent has over a human soul is unfathomable. My friend made a calculating decision that they did not want that responsibility. Some may say that they are copping out. Copping out on what, I ask? Marriage, children, and family can be seen as a choice.

For me, I have children and I love them dearly. The older I get, however, the more I realize the responsibility that comes with this task. I am not speaking of the monetary responsibility of providing food and shelter. I am referring to the emotional well being and spiritual perspective of a child. You see, I know am not perfect.  Yet, I also know that it is my imperfections that may have the most profound influence on my children.

I am 40 years old know and have spent the past 20 years searching for answers and re/unlearning behaviors. Despite a parents best intentions, their influence is, well, influencial. In the midst of raising a child the parent is coping with their own emotional difficulties. The focus is not always on the well-being of the child. My experience tells me that I am often focused on my own sanitiy in a given moment-a sense of control. In those moments the child finds their own way to deal with the situation at hand. The reality is that the child is incapable of coming up with good adaptive behaviors. They self-soothe in maladaptive ways which work as a child, but are destructive as an adult. Few parents or children escape this trap, I think. We are fallen and imperfect and we pass it on…

So, kiddos, my beloved littles ones, what I want you to know is that I am fully aware of my imperfections, that I am capable of wronging you and causing you pain, that I wish I could have been perfect for you, that I am sorry my self-interests and misguided attempts at parenting harmed you, that you can someday talk with me about the crap I brought in your life, that I will listen, that I love you now and I always will. Love-Papa

Skilss, Religion, and Politics

Skills:

The question is “should people who work (no matter the vocation) be able to provide for their families?” This seems simple to answer at first. Why yes they should! We say. What makes his work of less value than any one else’s work. We need people to remove trash from our neighborhoods. The trashman should be able to support his family. It is not compassionate to believe otherwise.

Let’s say we follow this line of reasoning. Who then, gets the right to determine how much the Not (trashman) makes? The Government? Who determines what standard of living he should have? Who gets to say the trashman should make more or less than the landscaper? Who is going to formulate all of this? If wealth is going to be redistributed from the Haves, how is this going to happen? My family says “tax the rich!” Okay let’s tax them, but the question remains WHO GETS THE SAY SO? Who gets to determine at what point a person becomes a Have versus a Not? What makes this so confusing to me is that I cannot see a way of sorting this out unless we become communist.

Now I might be wrong about this, but the way things are determined now is by the financial market. It is by skill level or knowledge or market demand. I think it has always been this way in the world hasn’t it? People have always said this job needs to earn more money than that one? There has always been worth ascribed to skill sets. Fixing a blown head gasket in a car costs one thing. Rerouting some blood vessels in my heart so it keeps on working costs another. Again, I could be wrong, but the tribal leader or king always has more stuff. Because he is in charge of more stuff people give him more stuff. Doctors make more money than the trashman. Docs have a skill set which society has always said is worthy of greater pay than the trashman or the landscaper. Is it right that society makes these statements? I think so.

When we say that individuals are worth more or less because of vocation that is where people go wrong and where society goes wrong. This next statement is going to seem very crass, but I do not mean it crassly. We have to face up to the way things really are in our hearts. It gets really ugly sometimes. Lets look at trashman versus doctor. Society needs both. However, the reality stands that it is much easier to teach someone to be a trashman than it is to teach them to be a doctor. I think this is self-evident. Furthermore, if there were a large disaster a doctor becomes a very valuable resource. In that same disaster sanitation is also very important for health. If we have too, we can teach a lot of people how to clean, remove trash, and sanitize. We can all chip in and sanitize. We cannot all chip in and diagnose illnesses. So in this sense, the person who is the doctor becomes very important. If he gets sick, we do what we can to keep him alive because his skill are extremely important. If antibiotics are scarce and the doctor is ill, he may get the medicine because he can save more lives than someone who does not have his skills. This is icky for me to even write because it is very volatile. Someone has to wrestle with these demons, though. Most health care professionals enter the profession because we want to help. We consider that people are very valuable, so we study them to make them better. Some of the wealthiest doctors I have been in contact with take some time for charitible things. Most hospitals are not profitable and it takes a crazy amount of detailed work to keep them running so people can be helped. Anyway…

Religion and Politics:

Christians often turn to the book of Acts and talk about how the early Christians shared everything. If somebody had a need, it was met by another Christian who sold his land or something. Now if this isn’t idyllic, I do not know what is! One couple sold some land and decided to keep some of it. Then, they got zapped by the Holy Spirit because this wasn’t cool with Him. Now that’s livin’ it up I say! Let’s all live with everything in common and if you don’t share we are going to teach you a real good lesson! Let’s model government after that!

What I want someone to show me is where Jesus said to do all that. I think it was a good thing, but Jesus never said to have everything in common. Now he did talk about treating people as equals among one another. But he never said that everyone should earn the same thing monetarily. Even in his parables, dudes were given money according to how their skills sets were. He gave one guy 5 bucks because he could handle it. Another got 2 bucks and the last got a measly ole dollar. The dollar guy was so scared of the master that he decided to hide it in some dirt. Then Jesus goes on to say how all this kind of thing gets worked out in heaven. He also says that a slave is not greater than his master. What I see going on is Jesus acknowledging world systems and working His message into it. This is why Jesus got nailed-because He came for heart freedom, not to institute new institutions!

He told all of US to take care of the poor. He didn’t say, go work out this government that will take care of people. What will happen, disciples, is that a little money will be taken out of what you get paid. Then that will be given to the poor after it gets whittled away down to 1/10th of what if was. You see Peter, I want you to go fishing. You are going to give away about 25% of your fish which will go to feed these people who have this fish feeding job. Now, before the fish actually get to the very hungry people, some of it is going to get eaten along the way by people who are paid to feed the people who actually are hungry. This is senseless! Jesus said that the poor will always be with us and our job is to do something about it. He put the responsibility right on our shoulders. Let’s not let the government have it. Pass the buck if you want, but I don’t have it in me to do that. There is probably poor people somewhere in your town and you are waiting on the government to go help them. It’s much easier to be an arm chair philanthropist via Mr. G. than it is to feel the cut in your own budget for your family or neighbor in distress. You might not get the bloomin’ onion from Outback if help out with someone’s light bill. Ahh, there’s the rub. Our own greediness, the Judas that lives in each of us willing to betray our human brother over some coins. This makes me wince at myself. I want my bloomin’ onion.

My family says that you can’t even get people in the church to give their 10%. I don’t feel like givin’ my 10% either. Why? Because most of the time churches have gotten themselves so tied up in the overhead of buildings and staff that they aren’t able to lend people a hand! Really, now, what is that all about. I have bought into it myself. This church is growing by leaps and bounds so God must be there! People raising hands, swaying, dancing in the isles and singing “praise” music. I mean I have been fired up for all that! Then, next on the agenda is a building campaign. Out in the lobby sets this $150 graphically designed poster with a thermometer on it. Everytime more money is added, a little more red is colored in so we can all see how the Lord’s work is going. I will tell you how it’s going…NOWHERE! Millions of dollars in bricks and mortar does not translate into feeding the poor and loving on the orphans and prisoners. Actually, we just like to give a few bucks to the local prison ministry because that is not what we are called to do.

I digress. Forgive me, but Christians once understood that they were salt and light. Now we care about how big our budget is. Criminy! St. Theresa is a saint because she was sold out for the poor of India. Jesus is Lord, not because He established some programs or government. He is Lord because He was sold out on people.

So what about the Have Nots, what should happen to the Nots, you say. Why all this stuff about Jesus when we are talking about government. Well because that is where my mind went and no other reason. We have to realize that we are responsible for ourselves and those around us who need financial help. Uncle Sam is never going to love someone like Christ. Can a check in the mail do that? Can making sure that everyone has internet access, a clean house in the suburbs, or a hybrid car do that? I think Jesus wants us to see that people suffer so we can see through his eyes. He knows that this fallen world will not solve the Haves and Nots. Neither will you and I. It’s like Judas in the Bible. Everybody love to hate Judas, because he was as nasty as they come. Betrayal for some coins. He wasn’t real sure about Jesus. He had some doubts. He thought some coins would work out for him. We love to hate him! Boy, do we ever. SCOUNDREL JUDAS! I think Judas is a mirror. Think you are not Judas, look again? Think you’d never lie or betray or sin, look again… We are talking about money…The Haves and the Nots…and whose responsibility it really is to care…What you have done to the least of these…

Divided We Are Fallen

Yesterday evening I attended my niece’s 18th birthday party where my father, brother, and I conversed about politics. I love these guys, yet we disagree about the role of government in the lives of her citizens. These discussions often revolve around how to solve the problems of the poor or working class. My father and brother support higher tax rates for the rich. The government revenue accrued from the taxes would be redistributed to those in need. I disagree. I believe that persons and churches should support the poor, not government. I think we all agreed the current political environment and parties both have serious flaws. Democrat or Republican, your party is besieged with corruption. Kitchen tables around the globe are sure to be the conference table of similar political debates. Barbeque pork and apple pie encourage such debates, I think.

This morning I was rehashing the conversation and had an epiphany. I cannot think of a successful society or government; one that has stood the test of time; one where its constituents did not complain about injustices. Though our minds roam the vaults of history for utopia, it has not existed. Even in Eden discord was sown and sorrow reaped. Recall whatever society you will, ultimately the excellencies are marred by the atrocities which brought their downfall.

In a highschool economics class we were asked our idea of the perfect society. My response was that everyone would have the same income, car, clothes, etc. Mr. Parker rightly pointed out that my example was in essence communist. Communist governments have failed to equalize inequities.

America has done her best. At least, she has provided the fertile soil of freedom from which willing seeds may die and bear fruit. The constituition lays bare the role of government in the United States. Read the following from the second paragraph of the beloved document:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.”

From this reading I understand that the role of government in the American’s life is to secure the pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness. When a government meddles in the affairs of its citizens, squelching the pursuit of these desires, our Consitution states we citizens retain the right to abolish that government. What is clear from this reading is that government is instituted to secure the pursuit of these rights, not the absolute obtainment of these rights.

There is not another government on earth today where such liberty exists to become oneself. America has never been for the faint of heart. Pioneers blazed trails, crossed torrential rivers, opened passageways in the deep mountains, and constructed homes from hand hewn logs. The vast wilderness became the land of the free and the free have tamed it. We have grown fat from its fruit and yet we groan because we are not at ease. Children, it is time to realize the trail to blaze is within yourself. The mountains erected can be moved! Healing is at hand, O Pioneers! Drink the elixer of freedom! Cast aside your sick bed and pursue with all your might…

Grateful to hear the Dead

It’s like a banjo echoing in a hollar. Haunting, yet alluring. Something tells you not to find the source, but you ignore the inner warning. Meandering slow and steady your journey ends with eyes gazing on a time worn face howling out toothless ballads from the mother land. Dirt and work roughened hands pluck dead strings on a scrapwood banjo. Even though this instrument and voice are out of tune you are mesmirized-without explanation. This music speaks to you. Listening is not a choice.

Trail of Tears

Lately I have watched the PBS documentary series We Shall Remain and a couple of movies (Rabbit Proof Fence & Little Tree). Additionally, I have watched an interview with Rolling Thunder a Cherokee medicine man and read a few Native American prophecies. To be clear, I am not an authority of native people nor even a history buff for that matter. My interest has simply peaked in this subject and I have poked around reading/watching/listening to various sources. Furthermore, even though I have been told that I my great grandmother had a blood quantum of one-half or one-quarter, my Cherokee ancestry is undocumented and has not been confirmed on any of the official Cherokee rolls. However, what I recently have seen, heard, and read has led me to the following conclusion; justice is different for different people. A simple example of this is the death penalty. Some feel that death as punishment serves justice, others do not.

At the church I attend we speak of Christian ministries focused on justice. In fact we have a justice team and our church focuses ministry efforts in a specific Knoxville neighborhood with the intent to seek the peace of the city and restore justice. These efforts are all well and good, but let me share some examples from my musings that have confounded me. Recently in the local paper there was an article that reported on the issue of the homeless population in our city. Various leaders in the community had formed a commission to sort out the homeless problem. I skimmed the article looking at the committee’s pictures, reading their bios. I noticed that not one of the people on this committee was homeless. Essentially, the homeless have little or no say in how their “problems” were going to be solved.

The stories of the Caucasians settling new lands conjures up the idea of Thanksgiving and freedom of religion. However, indigenous populations do not always hold these patriotic sentiments. Their lands were stolen or bought for little nothing, treaties were broken, culture raped, children were taken to boarding schools, they were forced onto poor land, and parts of their culture have been completely lost. The more I learn about these travesties, I am ashamed for America. These actions are as recent as Wounded Knee in the 1970s and are completely despicable.

Now, let me share with you my conundrum with justice. First of all, the actions done by the caucasian race were often done in the name of Christianity to “save the savages from themselves.” Second, anything but justice was served to these people groups. I think most people agree with this. Here is the problem as I see it: We Christians and Caucasians have been defining justice and trying to make restitution on our terms, not the terms of others. My take is that we feel guilty because these people do not thrive in our culture. In turn, we try to offer assistance in ways that help them to thrive in our culture. We want them to be educated, find good jobs, and move into the suburbs. If all members of these populations were thriving in our culture I doubt we would feel the need to give them justice. We are an arrogant bunch, I think.

Let’s turn the tables, what if justice to the native Americans was to restore their native lands? Here in East Tennessee we were told we have to move and give our lands and homes to the Cherokee Nation. What if this was justice to them? What if all children with Indian blood were removed from their families and sent to Indian schools where they learned the ways of their Indian ancestors-they were made to assimilate into a different society? I could go on with examples, which even as I write seem absurd; but, they happened! We would do well to remember that justice is contextual. We should be mindful of our biases.

Existence is a strange business.

Existence is a strange business. I assume that humans have always pondered about life, searching for meaning. I write this to disclose that my ideas are most likely not original. However, in my opinion, their originality does not diminish their importance. I wrestle with these ideas for my own edification. I write them here to formulate, hone, and communicate them, not to profess something new.

I want to communicate that our experience of reality is contingent upon the society in which we live. Furthermore, we can differentiate ourselves from this experienced reality and live from a different perspective. True reality goes beyond what we choose to experience. Meandering through life using others’ guiding principles restricts our ability to move beyond the surface of what can be experienced.

I said that reality is contingent upon social structures. As a Tennessean, I would not ever want to pay a state income tax. Someone who is not a Tennessean may think we have high retail taxes, see a state government who is in need of funds, and suggest that Tennessee is asinine for not having an income tax. Essentially, I was born into a group of people who believe and teach certain ideas. Had I been born into a different culture, I might believe differently. Therefore, it is reasonable to assume that social norms determine much of our reality.

We can differentiate ourselves from these social norms to find a fuller meaning for ourselves. I am not saying that we can avoid society. However, we can choose how we let society affect us. I walked in nature last weekend. Mist hovered over a cove of lake water, decorated evergreens, and moistened the grass as the sun began to announce the day. Briefly, I imagined myself waking up for the first time. Not as an infant, but as an amnesiac who has lost all sense of who they were and what society is. Suddenly awake like Adam. Everything around me uncategorized, unnamed, unknown. In this space a person can begin to interpret for himself what constitutes reality.

I understand that a person must operate in the society in which they live. Furthermore, I am not suggesting a person disengage from society. Obtaining an objective view of the social structures around oneself, however, enables a person to engage in these structures by an act of will. In the past I have allowed myself to become so enmeshed in a particular part of culture that I lose myself, letting the culture determine my self worth. This has not been healthy for me or those around me.

I wrote the previous paragraphs about a month ago. Now these words resonate with me as I wrestle with a large decision. I am well into a nurse practitioner program. It is not uncommon for these schools to have stringent testing policies. Upon making below an 80% on four tests the student may be dismissed from the program. This criteria is not per class. It applies to the whole program. Last Friday I made a 76. This was my third test in which I made below an 80.

Now, I feel so much pressure it is ridiculous. Everyone has an opinion. Most of these sound like “finish what you started,” “you will not regret sticking it out,” “I think you need to buckle down,” “you can help a lot of people when you get out.” One person says if to quit if I really do not want to be a nurse practitioner.

Ultimately, what does it matter if I become a nurse practitioner? What matters at the end of life is how much time you spend with people. I said this on my last post and I will say it again. I have never heard anyone say at a funeral “boy, I sure am so-and-so was a great dentist! Why everywhere I went in town I saw the beautiful smiles on people’s faces and knew that our dentist was the best.”

All I know is that I am distraught. I want it to stop. I want the stress to stop now. I hate every breath of it. It is tearing me apart. I am tired of being torn.

Squirrels and the problem of self-consciousness

I will not edit this post. I do enough of that for my graduate school work. Expecting wonderfully constructed sentences while reading this post will leave you disappointed. Then again, maybe this is nothing new for you, the reader.

The biggest difference between man and animal, that I can come up with anyway, is that man is self-conscious where animals are not. Some have said that man has the ability to reason where animals do not. However, animals have a way of working things out-take the pet that finds it’s relocated owners after they moved: He figured something out somehow. I guess some would argue with me about the self-conscious thing. Go ahead. All I know is that animals tend to fuss over far less than we humans. All this fussin’ is a problem.

Take the squirrel, for example. He finds himself where he lives and makes a life of eating food, storing food, mating, and building a nest or two along the way. Essentially he survives by seeking food, shelter (when necessary), and safety. Isn’t that what we human’s need, food shelter and safety? Well, no, we also are driven to reach the pinnacle of existence, which is self-actualization according to Maslow. Seems to me this presents problems.

Man used to live in caves, tepees, huts, and various crude dwellings. It’s kinda like the squirrel, we just needed some place to hang out and be safe from the elements. Now however, look at us. Our huts are built of vinyl siding, ceramic tile, exotic woods, brick, etc. The bigger the better. We live in gated communities. Well, that is the “best” living according to commercials. My question is, what is the point.

I went to a memorial service the other day. I did not hear a word about the man’s status. Not one word about his cars, clothes, or how much he earned for a living. Everyone spoke of his character and how they will miss the man for who he was. Hmmm… I guess it would be ridiculous to say, we’ll miss ole Bob because of the cars he drove. Boy, he sure knew how to manage finances. That guy, let me tell you, he had the most fishing tackle of anyone I know. I sure hope I could be as good as Bob. You never hear stuff like that come out during a funeral. Why? Because it really doesn’t matter one bit.

We all have our part to do. We gotta feed, clothe, shelter ourselves and families. But we miss the point of it all when we engage in the vanity of it all. I have pursued many things in my life. Not one thing I have pursued has made me happy. Sounds morbid, but it is true. Here are a few examples. I have been worried about my weight since I was elementary school. As a grown adult, I lost over 100 pounds! Sure didn’t make anyone else happy. Matter a fact, the worst time in my marriage was when I was my thinnest. Other family members told me I was too thin. Wierd. I thought thin=happy, happy, happy for everyone around me. I was me and they was them. At our house we own The Ultimate Driving Machine, a BMW. I could care less about the damn car. Matter a fact, it is uncomfortable for me to drive and cost a bunch of money. But, hey, we own a BMW. I feel terrible driving that car sometimes. I figure everyone is looking at me saying to themselves “just who does he think he is?”

Last, I am working on my masters in nursing, then I will most likely obtain my doctor of nursing practice degree. After this I will have two bachelors degrees, a masters and a doctorate. After this can I expect the love and admiration gauge of the world to notch up a little for me? Doubt it. When I get out I’ll have more debt and more responsibility. I do not think this will make me happy either. I doubt my sibling or parents will think I am better person than I am now. “Oh, well, now that DAvid has all this education we should listen to what he has to say.” Ha, don’t make me laugh. Nothing about anyone’s perceptions will change that is of any consequence. Wonder why I doing it, going to school that is? So I can have a better life right?

I’ll have more opportunity. We all know that the best squirrels are the squirrels with the most opportunity. The best squirrels gather the most and largest nuts. C’mon, everybody know that. The best squirrels also have gilded tree nests. You didn’t know that. Yes, they send off for the finest leaves for their nests. The hottest thing on the market now are slate leaves and steel twigs. A squirrel with a house made of these never has to build another nest! Have you seen the latest craze with the lady squirrel’s tails? You haven’t! Well, where have you been.

Wood, hay and stubble. That’s what I am working on. A better life for my kids, I suppose. Humans have been working on this better life for centuries. I should think that after thousands of years progress would have brought us to the pinnacle of living. In my opinion, all of mans whittling has left him without a stick. Seems like he can’t make up his mind what to carve and now he’s empty handed.